Can I just take a moment to explain why I'm hating my aunts at this moment? No? You can suck it. (Oh my god what the fuck is wrong with my mood?! I'm so outrageously angry.)
AUNT 1: The shit you said about me TO MY MOTHER when I was going through the most difficult period in my life ever was unkind, undue and inappropriate. Look in your own glass house before you start hurling stones at mine. What you said hurt and I'm not fucking over it.
AUNT 2: You're actually okay. I just wish that since you're the okay one, you might've thought about how I would feel getting relegated to what's essentially "the kids' table" at my grandfather's funeral. More on that in a moment.
AUNT 3: You are supposed to be the sweet one. I am mostly pissed at you for the same reason as AUNT 2, but I'm also becoming increasingly irritated with all of the showing off. I don't believe you're doing this to be hurtful, and I'm certainly glad that things are going so well for you - I would never begrudge someone what they've earned... But a little tact would be nice. Some of us are struggling to make ends meet, to pay for gas, and feel we're not ever really going to get ahead. We don't really want to be reminded of the growing divide between the haves and the have nots. There's a lot of class in being discreet is all I'm saying.
[Struck through because it's not all that relevant. It's how I feel, but that's for another day.]
I'll take it out of vague terms now. I was informed today that the front row of my grandfather's funeral had limited space which would be occupied by my mother and her three sisters (and that's as it should be), my grandfather's girlfriend (given the circumstances, this is fair) and my cousin (my grandfather's nephew) in lieu of my uncle who was the one who started this whole fucking death rollercoaster about two and a half years ago.
I am highly upset about this, primarily because I really need to sit with my mom. No, it's not about me, but we are the ones left behind, so shouldn't we be considerate of each other's feelings and try to make this as easy on each of us as possible?
And my feelings are that I want to be by my mom. Maybe they all think I'm a selfish bitch for not coming to sit with him while he died, but I had a VERY valid reason.
When my grandmother died two years ago, I was with her almost around the clock during her last six days, sometimes sleeping on the floor at the hospice. I'm not bringing this up to be a martyr, but to make my point. I ended up being commended by several people for whatever it was that I was doing there - and while it was all going on, I didn't think of it that way, I was just doing the right thing. But I was there and I was good with my grandma and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. It took so much out of me, and still does when I'm unfortunate enough to mentally go back to some of those moments. It is because of that experience that I could not be at my grandfather's side in his last few days. I didn't have it in me. While he was still awake, I didn't want to lose it in front of him (and I would have - I barely kept it together on Father's Day) and make him feel guilty in the little time he had left. And I also couldn't take it because I just couldn't. So I wasn't absent because I was too busy with my own life, I was absent because I WAS (and am) HURTING SO MUCH. And that is why I need to be able to cling to my mom a little.
It's not like this is some awesome concert and I want to be in the front row because that's where the best seats are. Funerals are not a tea party, and there are a thousand places I'd rather be. I'm just heartbroken and I need my mom. I resent not only the fact that it's been decided that I can't have that, but also that no one even asked me how I felt about it.
Besides, I know my cousin was close to my grandfather, but I'm the grandchild and I need to pull rank here because this is so important to me. The excuse is being given that there are three grandchildren and because there's not room for all of us, I cannot sit up there. Well, I'm sorry, but FUCK THAT. I am the adult grandchild (no, I never feel like an adult, but I'm going to go ahead and use my age to my advantage here). I am the FIRST grandchild, and I had ten years connection to him before the next grandchild came along. I'm not trying to devalue the importance of those kids to their grandfather or their position in the family, but I don't think it's at all unfair to them to give me a seat up there.
This whole argument probably only makes sense in my head, but this means a lot to me and has me really upset. I needed to get this out (since I just couldn't summon the moxie to actually make my argument to the family) because I feel like I am going to fucking explode. That or start a fist fight at the funeral and knock over the coffin à la Suburbia. Actually, the latter sounds like a good idea, and something tells me that if it weren't his funeral, my grandpa would be there throwing punches, too.
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